A Girl Walks into a Bar Ouch
by Fireness
Summary: One meets all sorts of interesting people in the Three Broomsticks. Written for a class project, which means reviews and reactions are love.


A Girl Walks into a Bar

A Girl Walks into a Bar. Ouch.

Author: Fireness

Rating: PG

Warning(s): Parody, stupidity, my general fed-upness with the Harry Potter fandom

Spoilers: None

Summary: One meets all sorts of interesting people in the Three Broomsticks.

Word Count: 1900

Author's Notes: Yes, this really was written for a school project. Therefore, I need as many reviews as possible. If you are reading this fic, PLEASE REVIEW! That aside, please note all opinions expressed in this fic really are my opinions, and therefore should be taken to mean I am thoroughly fed up with the types of authors depicted herein. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Harry Potter-related. Technically I don't own Margaret Susan, Brittney, or the random girl at the end – they belong to us all. They ARE us all.

* * *

Madame Rosmerta looked up from the drink she was pouring as the little bell on her front door chimed. It was another Hogwarts Visit weekend, which meant lots of youngsters crowding her bar and generally just being a nuisance around the village. Still, it was good for business, and Rosmerta could not help but smile as the famed Harry Potter and his two little friends came in, chattering and laughing about some thing or another. One of them – the gangly redhead – glanced over in her direction and blushed when he saw she was looking at them. The other two didn't notice as they slid into one of the few remaining tables.

Rosmerta picked up her tray of drinks. They certainly got quite a few interesting customers in the Three Broomsticks, especially on Hogwarts weekends, not the least of which was Mr. Harry Potter himself. Still, everyone who came into her tavern had a story, even if they weren't as famous as The Boy Who Lived. She passed around the drinks before making her way over to the trio tucked in the back corner.

"What can I get for you?"

The redhead let out some stammered sentence that sounded vaguely like "ohhello, fancyseeingyouhere.," while the girl looked on disapprovingly. Harry Potter merely watched his friend in amusement, then ordered them around of butterbeers.

"Be back in a wink," she told them, smiling specially at the redhead, just to see his face flare up again.

After delivering their butterbeers, Rosmerta sent her assistant out onto the floor while she stood behind the bar, pouring drinks and attending to those seated at the bar. She was getting too old to be constantly on her feet anymore, but there was no way she would ever give up this job; she enjoyed meeting people entirely to much. She would miss working here after just two days. Maybe even one.

Speaking of strange and interesting people, that kid – Creevy, was it? – the one with the camera, walked in. He waved to Potter and his gang and took a seat at another table where a few other Gryffindors were already sitting. Now there was a kid with a story, and who was only too keen to share it. He'd probably become a reporter or photographer one day, the way he carried that camera around with him constantly, and –

Oh, but hold on, now. A girl Rosmerta had never seen before had just walked through the door. She looked to be around fourteen or so, old enough to have been coming to Hogsmede for a while now, yet she had clearly never been inside the Three Broomsticks. As the girl took a seat at the bar, Rosmerta walked up to her.

"Hello there."

"Hi," the girl returned, a little breathlessly.

"What can I get for you, dear?"

"Oh, uh, I'll have a butterbeer, thanks."

"Sure thing." Rosmerta retrieved the drink for her. "Is that an American accent?"

The girl grinned broadly. "Sure is." She looked around, her eyes finally coming to a rest on Harry Potter and Co. Her smile got even wider. "Ah, I figured he'd be in here."

"Are you friends with Harry Potter?"

"Sure am," the girl told her. "I just transferred here this summer from New York, and we hit it off right away." She leaned forward conspiratorially. "To tell you the truth, he kinda _likes_ me, likes me."

Rosmerta looked over to where the trio was studiously looking in the opposite direction of this newcomer. "That so?"

"Yeah," the girl said sadly. "I had to let him down really gently, you know. He's been through so much in his life; I didn't want to break his heart. Poor boy."

Well, perhaps not every story was based in _truth_, per se, but that didn't detract from its interestingness. "What's your name?"

"Margaret Susan Selfinserter. But everyone here calls me Mary Sue. I'm very popular, you know. I was shocked. I thought when I first came here, everyone would bully me, but everyone's actually really nice. Even Draco Malfoy has told me I'm pretty awesome for a Gryffindor. And I was so happy when I was sorted into Gryffindor. The Sorting Hat had a lot of trouble figuring out where to put me. It said I had all these qualities that could go to any of the houses really. I'm very brave, and loyal, and cunning, and smart. I make the highest marks in our class, you know. But in the end, the Sorting Hat decided Gryffindor would be the best house for me."

"Really." Rosmerta was quickly losing interest; this girl was clearly delusional, and she had other customers she needed to attend to. She inched away slowly, but the girl took no notice.

"…think I might have figured out how Harry needs to defeat Voldemort – oh, and I'm sorry if you don't like me using his name, I just don't think there's any point in being scared of a name, I'm just that brave and all – but Harry just won't listen to me. I think he's too hung up on the fact that I won't go on a date with him. I would love to, really, but what he doesn't know is that I'm his father's aunt's cousin's best friend's sister, which makes us practically brother and sister. I just haven't figured out how to tell him yet-"

"Hi, welcome to the Three Broomsticks!" Rosmerta called out to the people who had just walked in through the door, loud enough to drown out the continuing soliloquy going on at the end of the bar. She wondered just how long it would take before that 'Mary Sue' ended up in St. Mungo's.

Looking down the row of faces seated at the bar, Rosmerta suddenly frowned. There was a young girl way down at the far end who barely looked twelve, not nearly old enough to be allowed a trip to Hogsmede. Her hair was even up in pigtails, for Merlin's sake. The waitress approached her.

"What can I get for you?"

"ill have a butterbeer, plz" was the reply.

"What?" Rosmerta asked, confused.

"a butterbeer, plz."

The older woman gave her a suspicious look. "Are you even old enough to be here?"

"im a 3rd yr"

"I'm sorry, say that again?"

"im a 3rd yr"

"A 3- oh, a third year. Well, if you say so." She went to get a severely watered down butterbeer for the girl.

"thnx"

Rosmerta gave up trying to understand a single word that came from this lunatic's mouth. She noticed the girl was hardly touching her drink, and her eyes were locked on the famous trio who was still sitting in that corner, still determinedly ignoring Mary Sue. Curiosity won over in the older woman's head. "Are you expecting something to happen over there?"

"ron & herminee r totally gunna hook up i think. they totally want ea other but its just a matter of getting them to finally admit they luv ea other. its gunna happen soon. i just have 2 b there when it does. i think i should conspir w/harry & then we can like lock them up in a closet 2gether or sumthing & then theyll have no choice but 2 admit there fellings 4 ea other."

"Oh. Uh, okay. What's your name, anyway?"

"brittney m badfic."

"Nice to meet you, Brittney," Rosmerta said. She made a mental note of the name so she could later ask Dumbledore or Minerva if this child really was a third year and allowed to go to Hogsmede on the appointed weekends. She was on the point of asking more questions – not that she really wanted the jumbled answers to them – when yet another new patron walked through the door, distracting the older woman.

This newcomer was certainly something to behold. She was clearly Asian, with long, silky, black hair, slanted, dark eyes, and soft, flawless skin. Everything about her screamed grace and mystery. Her eyes surveyed the interior of the tavern, lingering on first Harry Potter in one corner, and then Draco Malfoy in the exact opposite corner. Her mouth curved into a quiet smile as she took the last remaining seat at the bar.

"I'll have a firewhiskey, please."

Rosmerta frowned. "Are you old enough to be drinking firewhiskey?"

"I'm eighteen years of age and a consenting adult."

Well, she certainly _looked_ to be of age, though the waitress had no way of knowing for sure. She went over to pour the firewhiskey into a small glass. There was no way she was going to let a student get drunk, no matter how old they were. She brought it over and saw that this girl had pulled out a piece of parchment and a quill.

"Thank you," the girl said. "If you don't mind, could I ask you a few questions?"

"Sure, I suppose so."

"How long have Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy been in here?"

Rosmerta looked taken aback. "Well, I suppose Potter's been in here for half an hour or so, and Malfoy a good ten minutes longer." The girl jotted this down. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason." She looked at both boys again, that smile on her face looking more and more sinister. "I just have a feeling something major will happen today."

A shudder went down Rosmerta's spine. "Major how?"

"You'll see," was the mysterious response.

The older woman back up slowly, disconcerted. This could not be good, the way this stranger was smiling so evilly. Rosmerta looked over at Potter and Malfoy. Both seemed to have spotted this new girl and were staring at her in horror. Definitely not good. Harry said something to Ron and Hermione, and all three stood up. Malfoy was already on the move, heading towards the door. Both boys were so focused on this new girl that neither noticed they were heading for the exact same spot at the exact same time.

Until they collided, that is.

In an instant, the girl was on her feet; she snatched Collin Creevey's camera from off his table, snapping pictures wildly of Potter and Malfoy as they lay sprawled across the floor, one on top of the other. "I KNEW IT!" she howled. "YOU TWO REALLY ARE SECRET LOVERS AND NOW I HAVE ALL THE PROOF I NEED!"

The two boys sprang up and dashed out the door at the same time, nearly causing another collision when they both tried to fit through the door at the same time. Ron and Hermione took off after them, followed by the girl with the camera, who was screaming something about how now that the secret was out, they might as well kiss and could she pretty please take some pictures because two hot guys kissing was really sexy?! Mary Sue, Brittney, and Collin Creevey brought up the rear, also shouting, though not nearly as loud, though (in the cases of the girls) just as creepy.

Rosmerta sank numbly into one of the vacated bar stools. Sure everyone had a story. Sure those stories were generally pretty interesting, if not entirely true. But if this wasn't a sign it was time for her to retire, she didn't know what was.

Well, she supposed, it could be worse. She could be the star of a hit novel series and be chased by rabid fangirls all day, too.


End file.
